Desperate

I'm really, really, worried, afraid and seriously desperate. I don't know what or if you or anyone can do anything. There is nothing I can do, nobody I can contact, I don't know what to ask you, other then a "do something" in a childish manner. I must go now cause ears are flowing and that's a big no no in this place

I'm really dead-alive

Nothing new here, only counting the days. My life is on pause. I'm really dead-alive, it feels like being nothing, like there is no reason to exist. A few future thoughts keep me going, trying to never think about my past and present.

Probation service wants my blood

hey,
ani dey meyuash. the gzardin is in 10 days. the PSI recommends prison time of 51 to 72 months. it relates to me as if I'm the leader-criminal that smuggled hundreds of parts. it ignores many details that stand in my favor. it ignores  my cooperation.
it is like the probation service wants to ruin my life or make me kill myself.

No one contacted me. why do you still believe someone care? almost 8 months gone and I can't even get full medical care.

where is the lawyer that suppose to meet me? she talked to you 3 weeks ago, I'm going to gzardin in 8 days, with no legal-help, with probation service that wants my blood. do I miss anything?

New years

great holiday, I barely get food, two hot meals since friday, today lunch was 40 grams of peanut butter two slices of bread, 20 grams of jelly and 50 grams of taputsips.

Real trouble

on 10.9 I received the PSI from probation. It is totally different of what it was supposed to be. It sets my points at 25 instead of 12 as agreed.

I really need your help,this is a really, really, really serious matter.
Please try to do something, anything, this is real trouble, I'm serious.
.

My life is on pause

Wish I could be there and advise you how to get along with this occupation; as much as I dislike dealing with people, I do know how to maneuver between the drops. My only friend here claim that I "sugar coat" everything.
Nothing new here, only counting the days.My life is on pause. I'm really dead-alive, it feels like being nothing, like there is no reason to exist. A few future thoughts keep me going, trying to never think about my past and present.

Gathering my life back

Most probably 2016 will be dedicated to gather my life back, collecting and mending all the shreds, bits and pieces. I'm not on vacation here, I'm going under extreme pressures, and it will take me a while to recover. I can't believe it will be a 100% recovery. After being through some stuff, I believe it changed me forever. I've been telling you how hard it is to me for 7 months now; you can imagine some wounds will leave scars, I just can't guess how and what.

It is more than you can imagine

My PSI was supposed to be available to me on Aug.7th. No one talked, replied or anything. You remember it's a gzar-din, not a trial, right? Therefore it doesn't really matter to them, if I get updated or not at all. They never even finished to show me the evidence, that's how it goes. Please remind yourself I'm less than nothing, here.
The only thing on  my mind these days is the day after. I'm planning to go and tell about sexual assault, physical, blackmail, everything. It's not me who needs to be ashamed of what happened to me here.Trust me, ,

Zombies do really exist

First I lost weight, then I gained some back, now I'm back as I was before getting in this jehenom. It's really, really tough here, you probably get updates from Y, yet, you guys are the only ones who I can complain to, the only ones who really care.
I try not to think about the future and about going back, I do my best to discard any thought about my life there, it hurts too much. Zombies do really exist. In captivity. I now understand things like never before, too damn shame I had to get in this ugly place for that.

Doing my best to survive, but trust me, being "strong" here is impossible for people like us; it's a different world here, without anything kindness, compassion or dignity. Or anything like it. People here range between opportunists to pure evil.

Sorry for the pessimistic tone, I'm just really tired of this.

I am tired,

I want to go home. It's been too much already. In the movies it ends like after 8-12 episodes or a full-length movie. It's different, even funny. nothing like that in this jehenom. ani sone et hamedina hzo, everything about it. Just want to go back home.

Yestarday, again, beating

Fighting... what's wrong with these people, with their violence saturated mentality? How come the system fails to understand, fails to see that locking the wolves with the sheep, only does bad? I really can't get the idea behind that.
Anyway, one 165cm from Mexico, with lots of nerve, threw a glass of water in the face of a 190cm giant, his fists so fast, it looks like fast-forward. During dinner. I was about to finish my food. Knew what's going to happen next. Managed to eat 6 full spoons in two bites. 7 Prison guards rushing in. Shouts. Huge mess. 2 are going to the SHU. everyone else in lock-down.
This place makes good people become better ones; it is a real diamond on earth.
The eighth world's wonder. Humanity, love, compassion.

"cute" is a big no-no..

It's hard to describe or explain how wrong this place is; maybe just try to imagine a cube made of steel and stone, filled with people ranging from opportunists at best, to pure evil psychopaths on the worst case.
Try to imagine a place where everything is abnormal; everything crooked or wrong, there is nothing, absolutely nothing good here. I can count less than 5 people who might be considered as "fair", and maybe one who is trustworthy. That count is of 120, most of them come and go every day, faces changing faster than one can realize.
Now take that info, try to remember this is one of the easiest units in this relatively easy detention facility, it's nothing like a real jail, most definitely not like a high-risk facility.
It's a level 3 on the scale of jehenom, going 1 to 10, where 1 is a Low-risk facility "a camp", and 10 is the high-risk .
Know that there is no way to keep your sanity; no way to stay calm, no option to be nice.
A point to end with:
Yesterday I said  "cute" about something. 3 people other than me almost chocked. After regaining their facade, they patiently explained that using that term is a big no-no.

Could you see and understand I am in in a another existence?

Don't want to be in for even one more minute.

I look forward and can't believe I will survive, but there is no choice. I look back and cry for my lost time.
This place is terrible, not in a physical aspect, but for the sole and mind. Wish there was kind of magic solution, but there isn't. There is no force in the whole universe that can get me out of here.
Every day I need to confront people and reality that I don't care about, and don't want to be in for even one more minute.

The sole goes through so much here

I suffered hard days. This place, like hell in real life. "Good people" here, each and every one is a true diamond.
I am tired of this place. it's bad and dangerous. no picnic.thanks for your support, I read everything you write to me, two-three times, it's encouraging. I never expected 2015 to be such a terrible year., It does something I can't put in words yet.

Had a few bad days here

I am O,K; had a few bad days here.This place is not a party. It's hard, filed with very different people then   what we all know.
Every single thing is different. behavior, intentions, words. Even when you think you understand something right, most likely you have a big mistake.
I  am tired

Ghost boy by Martin Pistorius

I read that book, you should read it too. Check it out:
They all thought he was gone. But he was alive and trapped inside his own body for ten years. In January 1988 Martin Pistorius, age twelve, fell inexplicably sick. First he lost his voice and stopped eating. Then he slept constantly and shunned human contact. Doctors were mystified. Within eighteen months he was mute and wheelchair bound. Martin's parents were told an unknown degenerative disease left him with the mind of a baby and less than two years to live. Martin was moved to care centers for severely disabled children. The stress and heartache shook his parents' marriage and their family to the core. Their boy was gone. Or so they thought. Ghost Boy is the heart-wrenching story of one boy's return to life through the power of love and faith. In these pages, readers see a parent's resilience, the consequences of misdiagnosis, abuse at the hands of cruel caretakers, and the unthinkable duration of Martin's mental alertness betrayed by his lifeless body. We also see a life reclaimed, a business created, a new love kindled - all from a wheelchair. Martin's emergence from his own darkness invites us to celebrate our own lives and fight for a better life for others.


Ghost Boy: The Miraculous Escape of a Misdiagnosed Boy Trapped Inside His Own Body

The closest place to jahanom.

No plants. No wind. No sky. No animals. No grass. No colors. No emotions. No bottles. No naturally running water. No moon. No bugs. No dirt. No rain. No sun. No human affections. No birds. No women. No silence. No stars. No music (other than radio). No glass. No utensils. No rights. No electric appliances. No choice. No outside air. No privacy. No internet. No cellphones.
---------
24/7 constant defense mode. concrete. anger. bad food. steel. plastic. frustrated men. steel made "beds".
thin mattresses. brown clothes, sheets, blankets. open showers. constant noise. locks. careless, mean or ignorant soharim. handcuffs. rules. chains. steel bars. leg-cuffs. shouts. neon lights. control. laws. strip searches. surveillance cameras.

The closest place to jahanom.

The eyes of a murderer

It is hard to fully understand the place I am in. So I'll just tell you about one afternoon chat, took place minutes ago, with two other inmates.
It was a fully detailed chat about murder related to gangs. By "detailed" I mean details about how exactly the tong and eyes where cut. How blood was flowing. Every detail fully described. At a low voice, with a hint of a smile.

 

You never looked in the eyes of a real murderer. I already did, more than I can count. There is death in them, it's not like in the films. You look in them and you see something different.
They could be really nice and quiet, talking with a nice smile. Low voice. Graphic details. As if reading a story out of a book. No feelings.

 

There is no chance of going through this place and stay as before. You can never erase the feeling of being with, hugging, talking to someone who is capable of killing like you go shopping.
And that's just the tip of the ice. Just one man. one story. Half an hour in one day's afternoon.

 

People think there is too much violence on TV and movies. It's nothing but a joke. Reality is much more than what you can expect.

"Gang of one"

One friend here, 190cm black Moslem pimp, recommended a great book "Gang of one" by Gary Mulgrew (or Malgrew).

The author was one of "Enron" accountants, British, he was extradited by the UK to USA and has been sentenced to 3 years in "Big Springs" Texas prison.
The book he wrote is about his experience, culture shock and life before and during his imprisonment.
If you find any interest about how it's like being a foreigner prisoner here, this book is the real deal.
According to one of the guards here, this guy been through this facility as well.

 

One man's journey from a Glasgow orphanage to a notorious gang-infested prison in Texas 

The teardrop tattoo

It's pretty easy to know and tell if and who relates to any knufiya; they have tattoos, they tell about their memberships... once you eat a few meals with them... you get to hear all the stories, including the ones I can not write about...
The vast majority has some tattoos; only a few have all their body, only one here have his face. Some carry a "tear drop" tat at the corner of their eye(Wikipedia: "The teardrop tattoo or tear tattoo is a symbolic tattoo that is placed underneath the eye. The tattoo can have several meanings, including signifying the number of years spent in prison, the loss of a loved one or fellow gang member,^[1] or the fact that the wearer has killed someone.
The tattoo can have several meanings. In the United States, it can signify that the wearer has killed someone.^[2] Alternatively in Mexico, the number of teardrops may indicate the number of times the wearer was raped while in prison.^[3] It may also indicate the wearer has been imprisoned or indicate the loss of a loved one or fellow gang member.^[1]
According to The Devil's Front Porch, a book written by Lester Douglas Johnson about serving 1927 to 1957 in Kansas State Penitentiary, the tattoo denoted a member of "The Old Fraternity", referring to the Biblical Cain who slew his brother.^[1][4]
It is sometimes worn by the female companions of prisoners in solidarity with their loved ones.^[5]
")

I stand alone... only trouble could go with relating to any group or gang.

7 Most Notorious Prison Tattoos & What They Mean: